


Grounder rhapsody

by SignsTimeMemory



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: 4x07, Angst, F/M, Fix It Fic, Heavy Angst, Lots of thoughts about death, Suicide Attempt, Thoughts of murder and suicide, cave scene, no hellian cause i hate him
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-28
Updated: 2017-03-28
Packaged: 2018-10-11 18:18:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,159
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10471134
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SignsTimeMemory/pseuds/SignsTimeMemory
Summary: The cave scene,but with Bell being the one to find Octavia.(No Ilian because I don't like him,but some Blake siblings time,because nonetheless the differences all of us would want to see them together again.)





	

**Author's Note:**

> It's something which came to my mind pretty quickly,so bear with me a bit.It came between wanting to fix that scene, trying to process the suicide attempt of my favorite character,and an illuminated post on tumblr talking about how O might be showing signs of bipolarity;and this is what came out.

It didn't hurt any less,maybe it was harder now that she had felt her heart break again.If she even had one anymore,at all .She hadn't planned the cave,but figured that Helios didnt deserve that kind of death,after everything he had done for her,and she needed time to sort out her thoughts.Time to understand her person being put through the grinder over and over again.Time to understand the whole feeling nothing anymore.Now,at last,she knew her mind was twisted beyond repair.Faught between still trying to help somehow,and past the point of caring as well.Trying to understand if she wanted to be saved or not. One thing that bothered her the most was that Bellamy had been trying to help fix the unfixable. Octavia still hated him.She couldn't have looked him in the eyes without feeling like  killing him for what he had done,without seeing Lincoln die in front of her eyes all over again. But the part of her which still remembered the love they had shared,and how much they had meant to each other was begging for him to let go.If she wanted salvation,she would've earned it by herself,by facing her own sorrow,not through the help of somebody who kept on reminding her of what she had lost.He needed to do this,now that her soul had finally shattered as well.Octavia knew there really wasn't much to save of herself.She was just a faded memory,one her brother would keep on recalling for the sake of holding onto something which really didn't exist anymore.No longer did strange things surprise her,or jokes amused her,or darkness;the one which used to reach her under the floor,really scare her.Octavia had become part of it,fully embraced it.The poor light Kane had tried to let back in,had blinded her,disoriented her,spun her out of control.The memory of what she had lost,the chance of being different had made her panic.She didn't want it,she wanted darkness to swallow her whole 'till she hadn't disappeared forever.It all made her crazy.

Damaged.Caged into herself,into her mind.Dead.

If she could've just gotten rid of the body...

Just two steps,and she could've been closer to the end.

She thought she had left any sort of despair behind,long before.

Inside of a cell in the Skybox,the place where kids who had been failed by the system would've dumped into,to never be given back. Even that Octavia was just a memory,just like the one before jail.She and all the adventures and the moments,and the wanting to feel at home,when Lincoln was still with her.She had left the hope behind...even the people she was still  somehow close to,made her sick,reminded her of something which was no more.

Locked up,without even being able to take a walk out,through endless hours of confinement and solitary,in that little cell,she had felt all the innocence die,so that when she had touched the ground,and she had even been the first, she had never dared to think that she cold've easily trusted anybody ever again. She had never counted on what she would've found on hearth.For an year she had ignored her destiny,and for a long time she had kept on dying,in that cell which was bigger than what she had had,but made her more claustrophobic than ever,she had fallen into a long crisis.Octavia had spent unterminable nights for most of her condemnation,pacing back and forth,thinking about how she had killed her family,thinking her brother was gone as well,and how she had wanted to die.She had wished she could've died  first so she could've spared her family this pain.She guessed her chance had finally come.

Octavia didn't know what it was the first time around.

If it was either the boredom or the lonliness,because nonetheless being hidden,she had never felt alone with her mother and brother by her side.Or maybe the fact that even to this people she was either the kid who was wasting their oxygen,or the phemonenon of the moment;or the kid who had been dragged away from the box the night before and straight to his death for something stupid crime he had committed,which reminded her her of her family from afar;but Octavia had stopped wishing for death.She had decided she would live for as long as she could,live for those who hadn't been allowed to,live because nobody had asked her to,but she wanted so desperately to show them that even if they had killed her mother,Aurora Blake hadn't died in vain. That the kid that only she had wanted,could still be something. Something they could've never imagined ever witnessing.

 Not the lack of weapons had kept her from doing so,but turning into a weapon at some point,against whoever could have dared to hurt her,but also against the unworthy who filled this earth,and would threaten everyday the already fragile peace they lived into.

That night,she had decided to toughen up in order to survive. Dared to hope she could've had a semblance of life. Now her mind was split between trying to breathe without being in pain or dying,and leaving this hell once and for all.

Even death had been failing her lately,so unwanted and unworthy she was.

Even death,which was now her home,was pulling away from her.

How many times could've a person gotten lucky enough to survive?Was she even lucky if all she wanted was death?

_Footsteps at the entrance,and a few curses..clearly not her own._

_"Octavia"_

_"What do you want?"_

_"Come back,it's not safe here."The word home ,he didn't dare to utter even.""Please O,I don't want you to..."_

_"I told you already,I don't care what you think,if you wanna say something..go tell the sister you killed"_

_"Octavia,please,I'm trying..I'm sorry.I didn't mean for this to happen"_

_"Sure you didn't,just like you didn't mean to massacre that army trying to help you"_

_"This is not fair,i was just trying to do my best for our people"_

_"They're not my people,I thought you had gathered that,by now."_

_"I cared for him too."_

Octavia seemed to look straight through him and read him like a open book

" _If you had cared you wouldn't have betrayed those who believed in you for real,you wouldn't have betrayed me.You would have treated me as your EQUAL,and for once in your FUCKING life...YOU'D HAVE BEEN THE ONE TO LISTEN TO ME.It's too late to feel sorry"._

Had her mind gone so far as to give her hallucinations,now?So far it could reproduce the steps of someody she used to know as much as she used to know herself,before all this mess happened?

When they were kids,Bellamy had taught her everything she should've known.most of these things,whether by form or through emotions and feelings,Lincoln had shown her once she had come to earth.Bellamy had helped her fall asleep with stories of stars,and safe havens,and such dangerous things in the universe,that if you had been sucked in,you'd have disappeared,forever.

One night,when she was around ten,the Ark had lost power due to a malfunction of the ship,which back in the days seemed to be the usual one engineers would see from time to time and fix quickly,but it had scared her nonetheless,no matter how hard she tried to be brave.

There had been rounds,and Octavia was almost sure they had been discovered,but Bell had held her close and told her about black holes,just like the darkness of the Ark. He had told her how things would easily get sucked in and never come back,never go back to the way they were before. It had been scary,but her brother had reassured her nothing like this would've ever happened to them.Octavia felt like everything she had ever felt had been sucked into one of those black holes,and Lincoln's soul was scattered in the wind and would lighten up the sky at night,instead,like the dust of stars which had died light years before,but kept on shining.He had been the light in a darkness,the girl was sure,had always somehow been there.

But she had never denied the whole being a basket case.Now more than ever her words to Monty,on those fist hours on earth,seemed to ring true in her ears.Words which sounded far,from another world,another time,another life.When there was one worth fighting for.

 It was Pike and Bellamy's fault.But also her own.She hadn't been quick enough,smart enough to stop it.Crazy Octavia Blake always a step behind.The basket case to be hidden like the dirtiest secret ever conceived. For one moment,she just considered sitting there and doing nothing,absolutely nothing,till she hadn't annoyed her brother enough to leave her alone,but Bellamy was as stubborn as all the Blakes,so Octavia took matters at hand.

Removal of the issue was the answer.Such rule had been applied in similar ways to both the Ark and the Grounder society.

Ark,however, had senslessly killed all the second children,people guilty of crimes that weren't,and the sick wasting their oxygen.The grounders would leave the deformed to mother nature and let her decide if they could live or die.It was brutal,but the grounders had always seemed to be the most human ones in the end.Shame,at the end of the day she was a lost cause to both,no matter how many efforts there had been from both sides,from those who seemed to care.

Like in a trance,she walked towards the entrance of the cave.Her destiny was now crystal clear to the mind.

_"O,what are you doing?Octavia get away from there"_

Bellamy run faster than he had in a long time,and managed to grab her by the waist before she could act out on her darkest wishes.

_"Let me go.Let me go.I just wanna feel something"_

_"This is not the choice you wanna make"_

_"You left me no choice"_ screamed out the younger Blake,hitting the wall to take off at last the edge of her anger.Anger was all she could feel at this point in her life.

She sat back down,rocking a bit,and looked at the fire,the same fire which had seemed to suggest her what to do mere minutes before.

 _"You left me no choice,brother"_.She spit out the last word,to make it sound exactly like the insult it had become between them,and turned away from him.

_"I can't look at you,because you ruined everything,everytime I look at you I watch him die over an over,and wish to die as well,because nothing makes sense anymore"_

_"Can't save someone who doesn't want to be saved"_

_"Maybe I'd like to try on my own.I'm not your businness anymore.I'll choose if I need saving or not."She left out the part where she was still in doubt if she deserved it or not.If she had added it,he would've never left._

They sat there,for hours on end,till the rain didn't go away.For the whole time they spoke no words to each other.But when the moment came Bellamy went back to the Rover,and Octavia to Helios.Both trying to forget what had happened to them in that cave.No matter how much it coasted him,or how traumatic what he had watched happen was,or had been to her,they went  their separate ways. They needed to save themselves,before trying again.They went their separate ways,Bellamy thinking that maybe this was not something they could fix,and Octavia trying to survive one day more,but leaving her knives behind.Thoughout the hours the warrior had gone over everything her life had been.Everyday was a war,a battle,it was blood and death,maybe death didn't deserve her trying.She didn't want to die.Maybe.But she loved death.Sure,she did.Pheraps,it would've found her somewhere,ready to go,without even trying to get around it,and Octavia would've walked straight into it,regretting the chance she had missed out on that night,as she left her weapons behind,and maybe the last part of herself as well.

**Author's Note:**

> The title and the story in general were freely inspired by the song Bohemian rhapsody,whose interpretation was left open to everybody by the wonderful Freddie Mercury.To me it's the loss of love,your mind,and the reflection of who knows murder,but also suicide.Pure bipolarity.Maybe,even like trying to figure out a mind split into many others,or the divergences of one.


End file.
